I probably won't speak to my wife about the latest "findings" in The New York Times: 51 percent of American women are "living without a spouse."

What the sexist New York Times fails to disclose is how many American men are living without a spouse. After all, we have an impressive record of hunting, gathering, foraging, whining, shouting, spectating, burping, snoring, spitting, scratching and, when the occasion warrants, begging.

"For better or for worse," opined Dr. William H. Frey, a demographer who specializes in demographics, "women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage."

For the better part of this century, the prevailing mantra for ever-more-fulfilling relationships has been "Enlargement!" Yet, we now discover that all along the prevailing marital trend has been "downsizing." American males can be forgiven for feeling confused.

I admit that summers, when she and Seymour disappear into the Oregon mist, can be trying. Though I've reconciled myself to the fact that sheets do not change themselves, I still come home after a long (or abbreviated) day and wait faithfully -- and vainly -- for dinner.

This is because, like millions of other American men, I have been domesticated. But there is a cruel wind a-blowin': Domesticate 'em and leave 'em. If the New York Times analysis is correct, increasing numbers of American males may be left holding the (drive-thru) bag.

These marriage trends, based on no less an authority than the U.S. Census Bureau, must be particularly alarming to the interest groups, some exceedingly moneyed and powerful, that promote a particular brand of "family values."

Usually, there are no quick fixes to this sort of institutional erosion, but it occurs to me that if these family values groups were to stamp their approval on same-sex marriage, the percentage of women (and men) living with spouses might experience nice little uptick.

Women who make their own way in this world, who do not feel that getting paired up is an essential checkpoint along the road to fulfillment, have my blessing. But I will admit that pondering these stats and trends has forced me to reassess my own marriage.

What I'm trying to reassess, exactly, is what I contribute to it. Of late, I guess you could say I have given my wife ample opportunities to polish her nurturing techniques and driving skills as she chauffeurs me about town on account of my mildly vision-impaired state.

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